The Choice..

The warm fingers slowly turned cold as it slithered away from the grip. The saline dripped making its way through the tube into the epidermis where it wasn’t imperious anymore. The guy with the white coat made no efforts to move but stood there still, holding on to a sheet he had received. Everything seemed immersed in oblivion with the faint smile still remained glued on the face which now looked like a book with a thousand pages of thoughts all screaming loud in chorus, If it weren't for those few seconds of sleep…

The sunlight poured over my face as the rays of the rising sun pierced through my eyelids. It is mystical, but true, that the rays of the sun form the rays of hope to begin a morning. It carries in itself an energy which can be devoured by a positive mind, a great start for a bright day. For a moment I tried to shade it away with my palm but in vain. I woke up rubbing my eyes, looking around as the hustle-bustle had started with the drivers honking, the conductors cautiously looking at the sheets, the tea seller preparing his tea-pot, the flower seller hanging his garlands around the shop and the passengers slowly arriving to travel around, the bus stop was definitely a very busy place and sleeping beyond dawn would be looked upon as a disease.

It has been three days now, since I have been spending my nights at the Central Bus terminus. I had arrived here, from my college, since going home would have been the worse part of my life. Bloated with expectations, my parents would have roasted me alive with their continuous taunts of a “man without a job” story. All through the journey I barely slept, thinking of the responsibility which now lay on me to look after my family.

“Shankar...” my father called, as I turned around and looked at him.

“I heard Prathap’s daughter has stood first in the mid-term exams. Is it true??” he asked me with a questionable tone, the answer for which he already knew.

“Yes..hmm..I think so”, I muttered. Anyways she belonged to ‘A’ section and I was in the ‘C’ section.

“You think so??” he repeated with a rage in his tone, his eyes menacingly looking towards me, his palms now seemed to slightly swell with the in-coming blood which was aiding for him to prepare the strike.

‘How the hell am I supposed to know’, I murmured under my breath. My father stood there, waiting for an answer and when I continued with my blank face and the stoned silence, he circled around me holding the newspaper in his hands.

“How would you know the top rankers if you are not one of them”, he said raising his eyebrows and with the rage still in his eyes. The eyes now dilated added more essence to his anger.

“If a girl can come first in her class, why can’t you??” he said raising his voice. “Your presence only makes me feel I am talking to a stone. Your existence has been merely to eat and sleep and open the book to pretend you are studying”.

The rhetoric philosophy continued for another twenty minutes with occasional pauses and the sinusoidal variation in decibel echoing inside me.

He stopped finally and said, “Tommorow, Prathap and his daughter would be coming to our house. Ask all the questions you have so that she can help you with your studies”.

“I rank third in my class” I said with a disagreeing tone. I could feel my blood boiling.  “I don’t need her help in my studies. I can do it myself”.

“Your arrogance has only ruined you. There is a vast difference between first and third. Do as I tell you, it is for your own good.”

I sulked throughout the day and kept thinking about the insulting words my father spoke. In the name of ‘For your own good’ he always pushed me against the wall and made others look better off than me. I only wished Prathap uncle and his daughter fell into a bottomless well.

It was cricket which always brought me back to life. I had no other reason to be alive then being a cricketer. That was my dream. Whenever I had the least of a chance, I would either practice shots or simply bowl at invisible batsmen. It was my fodder for existence, and my friends always said I had a natural talent for the game.

My father disliked cricket. He cursed the game; sometimes I wondered if the batsmen got out due to his curse. To him, it was a waste of eight hours which only increased the electricity bill and that benefited none.

After the duo left, my father seemed to be immersed in deep thought. I only wished it wasn’t about me.

“Are you serious about cricket??” he asked looking straight at me.

“Yes” I said, without a pause.

“This is your final year at school; it will determine what you would become next in your life. I wanted you to be an engineer or a doctor. Don’t you want to be good at your academics??” he asked in a low emotional tone.

“I like cricket”, I said looking at him. “I have won several awards, and the selection to the State team is pending. If I get selected then In the future I may play for the state”, I said, with a confident tone.

My father shook his head. I wondered if he thought I was possessed. He looked at my mother, and paused for a moment to look at me. Finally he spoke.

“Cricket is not your future. I will give you one last chance, you should quit cricket and get on with your academics”.

I stood there shattered. But I wasn’t going to give my dream so easily, no matter how much I feared him.

“Why not??” I screamed. “I have worked so hard at my game. I want to be a cricketer” I said with tears in my eyes.

“Shut up!!!” he said, looking menacingly at me. “I don’t care what you want, just ensure you study and become what I want you to be”.

I went out of the house crying uncontrollably, hoping my father would change his mind.

A few weeks passed and then it was time for exams. Everyone was engrossed studying for their final year at school, while I was busy practicing for the selection. My selections were scheduled a week before my exams and so I was happy that it wouldn’t clash with my academics.

My father only thought otherwise.

I came home in the evening from school, to take my bat for practice. My mother standing near the door looked a bit dejected. She only kept looking over her shoulders towards the backyard.

I looked around for sometime and still searching, asked my mother, “Where is my bat?? I am getting late for practice”.

She looked at me, took a long pause and then pointed her finger to the backyard. I barely understood.

I went over to the backyard and saw my father standing near the cauldron. As he saw me coming, he turned around, and moved a bit away from the huge stove which was heating the cauldron.

In the midst of the wood which lay burning, I saw the last part of my bat going in, being consumed by the evil flames, each one rising higher as it devoured with an utmost rage.

I almost collapsed on the ground. I ran, as fast as I could, held the handle and pulled the bat out. I tried all I could to put out the flames, but the damage was done.

I screamed loud looking at my father, a loud wail, a cry uncontrollable as I felt my dreams crashing, my feelings completely smashed, all that I wanted to be being burnt to ashes.

I cried all night in despair. The despondency in me had caused a huge depression, in turn causing a moment of unmanageable agony.

The next day I decided to give up cricket.

The last three days at the Bus terminus had been pathetic. As always, time ran ahead of me causing my choice list to grow shorter. Each day passed in desperation, I felt the day moved like a snail conspiring against me causing more miseries as the seconds ticked. I kept walking confused, unable to decipher the intrinsic logic of finding a job.

They say, you don’t find a job, the job finds you. As I walked along the road, I looked at the company which stood right in front of me, the majestic pillars which rose to hold the board “iSOFT” was charming.

“Are there any walk-in interviews??” I quizzed the security guard. He slowly raised his head, an inch a minute with the breakfast beside him.

“Who are you??” he asked with the spoon still in his mouth. He cared the least to even look at me.

“Walk-in Interview” I asked him again increasing the decibel.

“hmm..yes, Register here”, he said, motioning his hand in the direction of the other security guard.

I reached over entering my name and the other details. The other guard looked lifeless; it seemed he was alive only to be a statue.

After three rounds of interview the HR took me to his chamber.

“Why do you want to join iSoft??” asked the HR with his head high and his eyes looking straight into me.

I cleared my throat, a camouflage to prepare for the answer. I need a job,that’s why idiot. I looked into his eyes and said “Why not iSoft??”

“I see, I hope you are aware that as part of our dedicated customer support our motto is to be there everywhere, on time everytime” said the HR still staring at me.

I understood. Night shifts. He made it look easy. “Definitely”, I said. “My passion and commitment are unquestionable”.

“Good, here is your offer letter, go through it and let me know if you have any questions” he said without looking down.

Questions?, Of course a thousand. Who cares, I just need this job.  “Sure” I said.

My parents were naturally excited as I announced the news. They seemed to be relieved and unbounded by the societal monster which plagued them to answer about me.

As they moved in with me, one day I over-heard my father saying, “I hope he understands we need our own house. All along I slogged at work to ensure that he has a good education. Now that he has got a job, I am only hoping that he makes our dreams come true”.

My mother shook her head in agreement, making signs as to speak in a low voice. “hmm..I hope he is atleast that responsible” he said frowning and shaking his head.

The huge conference room with its extensive energy saving bulbs removed any spec of darkness. There were a bunch of people, discussing about the benefits the company would be offering and some speculating what the job would be. Most of them seemed to know little but pretended to know everything. Quite a few of them cornered themselves to discuss about world affairs, which was non-sense in its purest form.

“Ah hmm…” coughed the trainer, trying to clear his throat as he entered the room. Everybody looked up, quickly adjusting their chairs.

“Congratulations and welcome aboard”, he said, flashing his teeth’s. He seemed to be extremely excited and happy to see all of us.

“Team” he addressed, moving horizontally, “The job you are going to be is not only going to be challenging but exciting as well. You will go through a rigorous process of trainings to understand the component models and their specifications. This job would be based only in the night supporting the United States privileged customer base. You will be responsible to clear the service requests and a feedback would be requested from the customer. Each service request will be a financial gain as you resolve them...blah..blah..”, the parody continued. 

It was very simple. The night was day, the day was night. Every service request resolved with a good feedback from the client caused a positive rating which eventually multiplied the bonus.

That’s all I knew, and that’s exactly what I wanted to know. I had to fulfill my parents dream and I had to do it fast. All, I saw in front of me was a house and everything else looked meaningless.

A month later, the trainer called me and said, “Good, your feedbacks are very appreciative. Continue the good work”.

I kept up the tempo, I knew, whatever I did; I had to do it consistently. I was on the “run-a-mill”, where my routine was well set, I made the calls, I made the ratings, I took away the bonus. I wondered if my organs understood what I wanted to achieve and they simply agreed to my instructions. I slept when the whole world was awake with their busy bustling and in the night I entered into a busy world which was hustling.

A year later, I was promoted as the product specialist on the floor. With an increase in my pay, I knew I was getting closer.

I worked harder, more the calls came, faster I resolved them. People only wondered at my speed, a few others asked me to go slow and the rest tried to keep up with my pace. I was blinded by an urge, churned out of the anger and ego brewed within myself due to the insulting words my father spoke. I kept telling myself, I couldn’t do all this when I was at school, but now, I could really prove what I can.

Two years later, I was promoted as the Operations manager, the youngest in the history at iSoft.

“Shankar, these results are impressive”, said Vikas, the CEO , with a smile. “You should bring in more creative ideas so that we can expand our operations”.

I shook my head in agreement. “At iSoft, we have policies, growth plans, career paths. We do not try to burn out our employees” he kept saying. I was least interested in his oratorical skills.

“Do you have any questions??” he asked me, noticing my disenchantment.

“How do I make more money at iSoft?” I asked him without a pause.

He raised his eyebrows as his smile disappeared. Probably, I was asking for more.

“You should target to take over other operations we have and eventually bring the entire support division under your purview. Remember, the faster you run the quicker you are exhausted.” he said as he moved on slowly shaking my hands.

I sped on with what I was doing. I put in all I could, stretched my energy to the limits and kept doing it with a blind faith.

Two and half years later, I was promoted the Vice-President at iSoft. 

 The following month, I bought a house. My parents were over-joyed as they seemed to be liberated. Each wall of the house, spoke of the hard work I did to reach this far. I saw the sea of happiness surrounding my family, they were ecstatic with joy. With the ultimate achieved, I wanted to ensure they remain happy forever. The sense of achievement fuelled a zeal in me, which created a hunger in me to achieve more, and in quick time.

I clearly lived a dream which was not mine.

They say, the faster you run the quicker you fall. All the years of hard work had started to take a toll on my health. With the acidity, I realized that my digestive system was upset. Sometimes I puked when I had food, the other time I puked just by the smell of it. My dislike list grew longer.

Whenever I had a few minutes I would nap. Sleep was heaven to me and I was very much deprived of it. The only thing which kept me motivated was the pillow and the bed that kept embracing and consoling me as I fell in their bosom and dozed off.

Nothing stopped me. I ran as fast as I could, ignoring the thorns which came on my path. I ran faster to see that light at the end of the tunnel which I thought was the only ray of hope to make the dreams of my family come true.

It was the light of a train coming through the tunnel.

“Can you get the presentations done today?” asked Vikas, in his usual foxy tone.

“Today??” I questioned half-heartedly looking at the watch with my eyebrows raised.

“Yes, of course, this project could do you wonders!!” he said with a grin and walked as fast as he came.

Very well then, I told myself, Damn you!!!

By the time I finished the presentation it was almost daybreak and exhaustion gripped me to surrender at my desk and lie flat on it. I managed to keep my eyes open and sheepishly walked towards the parking lot.

“I just emailed you the copy, Vikas” I said sheepishly, managing a smile as I met him on the way. I only wished he put a bed on the way and asked me to sleep.

 “Good. I will review it and make the necessary changes” he remarked waving his hands. 

If you were capable of making the changes you would have made the presentation. Some are lucky the rest only suck up to them.

I had cursed my fate innumerable times and cursing it one more time made no sense. In fact, nothing made sense to me other than lying down and sleeping forever. Exhausted and tiredness exhuming, I dragged myself to the car.

The peak traffic hour had begun and the bedlam was un-imaginable. Everyone honked, screamed and rode as fast as they could. For the last couple of years I had never seen the sun raise or the sunset. Darkness was my cover and I only waded through its blanket, negotiating nothing as I passed through it effortlessly.

Today was different. Some banged at my window trying to sell the groundnuts or the flowers. Some jumped right on my bonnet to clean it and then kept banging on the car door for money. I wished everyone stopped still and I just zipped through these lunatics. 

As every signal turned red, I fought to keep myself awake.

As the signal turned green, my feet automatically accelerated and I zoomed past the rest negotiating sharp turns and other vehicles. The wind was good and the road seemed to be less traffic. I drove like an arrow, piercing through the wind.

It never occurred to me that it could happen. Before I could open my eyes, I heard a loud bang, the crush of the metal and in a split second the shrill sound of the glass crushing. I felt like a million cuts on my body and face. As I opened my eyes, I saw a huge white bag opening up on my face and my entire body thrown with an incogitable force. For a second, the pain was excruciating, it seemed like a thousand people were inside my head with hammers and they couldn’t stop banging it against my skull. I lay on the seat motionless, with an eye open and the smoke slowly turning to black, a couple of people running around and few spanking my cheeks.

A moment later, I felt nothing.

The huge white light blinded my eyes. As I slowly opened my eyes, I heard a faint voice saying, patient is conscious.

“Look here…here..” a man with a pen torch kept saying looking at my eyes. I moved my eyeballs in his direction and he moved the torch away from me.

The accident had caused multiple fractures. The rib cage was broken causing an inflammation of the lungs. One of the rib bones had torn into my kidneys and left my liver damaged. A disc in my spine had slipped causing disability below my waist.

I was a dead vegetable with a faint hope of life.

“He has very less chance” said the doctor to my father. “The skull has been damaged and there is internal bleeding” he said without a pause.

“We could operate, but the CT scan reveals the bleeding has spread farther into the brain and the neurons could stop functioning any time”.

I could hear everything, at least that I could, I wanted to desperately re-wind my whole life back to where I started my life. I wanted to say “No” to Vikas for the presentation. I wanted to start playing cricket. I could see my friends scream as they waved at me, welcoming me.

“How did it happen??” the doctor asked sympathetically looking at my father.

“Not sure. We received a call from a witness who said that he had admitted my son at the hospital” I heard my father say in a choked voice.

I wanted to get up and hold his hands and assure him that I was all right. I wanted to say that in another couple of days I will be back to work and will soon buy the car he wanted to drive. I only did not want him to look so sad, after-all I spent all of these years working to make sure they all had a happy life.

“Shankar”, my father called, with his hands on my shoulder. I only responded moving my eyelids.

His voice was choked, tears filled his eyes, and he slowly moved his head and placed it on my chest. My mother was standing on the other side and weeping inconsolably.

I tried to move my fingers, my heart now heavy and the pain in my head un-bearable, I screamed within my body. My friends in the field had now started to take positions.

I touched my fathers hands with my fingers, and he immediately responded by holding them. It brought back memories of the days when I held his hand and learnt to walk, to walk through the fields where he taught me to run, play, talk.

“Please wake up son” my father cried vehemently. It seemed someone was plucking my hairs one after the other.

“Please forgive me” he cried, “I wanted you to be a successful person, a son who would outshine his father, who the whole world would say, the best son”, But, “I pushed you far ahead, I pushed you against your own wish, cared less for your dreams, worried more about someone else doing better than you”.

He paused for a moment, wiping his tears.

“Please wake up Shankar”, his voice echoed with a melancholy choke. “I don’t want anything in my life, I want you beside me, just be there with us”, “All these years, we have never felt so secure and satisfied. You sacrificed your dreams and thoughts only to make our dreams come true. We are aware of it Son” he said, wiping his tears. “Don’t leave us, please…” he sobbed un-controllably.

How I wished I could wake up and hug him. I was never aware that he recognized my feelings, my dreams. I only thought of him as a strict master who only said what needs to be done. I wished, I had seen this side of my father long time ago. My friends waving at me inched closer.

The pain in my head now intense and agonizing, I felt a thousand worms crawling through my brain. How I wished, I had said “No” to Vikas for the presentation. The worm of greediness gnawing at the bottom of my heart had in the pursuit of those few more bucks, had blinded me to work harder, faster and slave for everything and everyone. Without a sense of pride or regale at the work, I only looked at the monetary benefits it offered and deceived my body of its natural state. I deprived it of its most essential needs conning my organs to accept my vicious thoughts. If only I had fought those few seconds of sleep, I could have been home cozing up on my bed.

I curled my fingers around my fathers hand and a drop of tear came out of my eyes. I wanted to tell them that it was a mere few seconds of sleep which had caused the accident. The words never made out of my mouth.

I tightened the grip as the pain started to ascend in my head. The pillow seemed to be made of iron and I could now feel the blood slowly trickling down my ears.

“Shankar..Shankar..” my father sobbed, “I should have let you be what you wanted to be” he screamed. “Please forgive me, Son..Please” he said, holding on to my numb fingers.

Everything around me blurred. It was painful ecstasy, dragging me into a bottomless well. I could see the light now coming into the tunnel. I had to stop running.

Still holding on to my father’s warm palm, I took one long breath and slowly closed my eyes with a faint smile. My fingers turned cold.

A friend once told me, “This is the time when you can earn as much as you can, if you are not in haste now you would waste your whole life.” and a wise old man once told me, “You cannot have all the three meals at the same time of a day”.

My friends now smiling had gathered around me.

First Experience...

A pall of gloom descended over the room. The broken chair lay with a hope of being repaired. The fan seemed to creak unable to bear the weight. It seemed in eternity, so soothingly painful, like a million pins on the body. My brain seemed to traverse a million miles in its thoughts, trying to decipher the deception meted out. The million neurons trying to push itself hard against the blood which by now has started to withdraw its intensity from my brain. As cold as it gets, I wish I never had my first experience..

My name is Nakul. I had been the only son of my parents. Born in a village, I had the most simplest of all the possible luxuries. My father a farmer endured all the pain to ensure I had a good education. I was blessed to have understood this at an early age. Everyday as I made my way through the green paddy fields, through the jungle, jumping fences, crossing fallen trees, streams, snakes slithering through, leeches during the rainy season, muddy roads, I could go on, but none of this deterred my ambition to study hard. I was imbibed with a single goal of achieving a good education and a job and wanted to ensure my future generation did not have to cross the jungle as I did.

The eerie of the jungle always scared me. No matter how much I tried to get used to it, how old I grew, it always seemed to be a shadow following me through. It would be terrible crossing over when I got late from school. The brown muddy path seemed to disappear in the darkness and I would pray god save me from any peril. I kept my head down and would walk as fast as I could, and I would heave a breath only when I could see the far light of the fire burning at my house.

As confident as I was, my parents always believed that I would one day bring them out of their miseries. My father never involved me in his farm neither did my mother ask me to do any household chores. All they asked me was to study and all I did was to study hard, harder and hardest.

I stood first in my district and the head of the village chose to sponsor my college.

My father carried my suitcase over his head, his other hand holding the sweets my mother made, as we walked over the paddy fields and into the jungle.

“Nakul” my father said, “I am very happy that you have done well in your studies. I am a poor farmer and a rustic; I do not understand the complexity of college and further education”

He stopped by to take a breath, the heavy load of suitcase tiring him, he continued, “Life offers a lot of battles, rewards and deceives you with its mystery. Do not forget to think before you act and never fall to the lust money would offer”.

“Sure” I said, with a confident smile, trying to make a mental note of the wisdom. 

The bus arrived and as I looked through the window, I could see my father wading goodbye as the tears slowly rolled down his cheeks.

Four years later I graduated an engineer, with a luscious job offer at iSoft.

It was amazing, the turn of events in my life. Several years ago, I was walking few kilometers to reach the school, one square meal a day, utmost poverty, and never seen a currency until I was 15 years old. Here I am, several years later, holding an exorbitant pay offer from iSoft, I had decided to send the major part of money to my parents to ease their debt.

“Hello, my name is Remo” introduced a voice. I turned around to see a tall, lean guy, with a broad smile. I shook hands and said, “Nakul”.

“I heard you just joined us??” He questioned, with a grin which said he knew my answer.

“Yes” I said. “Today is my first day and they have mapped me to this project”.

“Great. You are at the right place. I have spent the last two years on this project and have enjoyed it” he said with a confident smile.

The discussion went on for sometime and for the first time in the last two days, I felt relaxed. Remo seemed to take over my thoughts before I could think. He had such an air of confidence around him, he made all feel comfortable and secure.

“If you need any help on the project, just let me know” he remarked. I shook my head and thanked him.

Remo seemed to be the most popular person at the office. He would try to start a conversation with everyone and they all would fall for his talk. He was so smooth while he spoke, it would look like knife traversing through butter.  

“Hey, you wanna join me for a smoke” he said, tapping my shoulders from the back.

“No, thanks” I said, with a smile, “I don’t smoke”.

“I know” he said, “Does it harm if you give me a company??”

Although hesitant, I enjoyed his company. “Sure” I said.

He spoke about a lot of people at the office. He told me the intricate details of how to handle the clients and how each differed in their view. He described with situations of how he had overcome tough clients.

I enjoyed his company. He was mesmerizing with his words and made me feel very relaxed. I started to look at him as an elder brother, who would guide me in my difficult situations. He was full of solutions and put forth several suggestions whenever I approached him.

Our short talks turned long, I went along at every break he took, as the days passed by we became close friends.

One Friday evening, as I passed by his desk, “Nakul”, he said, “Would you want to join us for a party tonight??”

“Y..es” I said stammering. I wanted to say a No, but the word seemed to have already flown out. I was so blown out with his aura that it never occurred to me to say a No to him for anything he asked.

“We will leave together at 10” he remarked with a thumbs up sign.

 There were four other guys at the flat as Remo opened the door. They were all sitting in a circular fashion on the floor deeply in discussion, each one holding a glass in his hands with some chips lying around in a plate.

“Guys, meet Nakul” said Remo. The four stood up and turned around.

“Arjun, Karthik, Shankar and Hassan” said Remo, introducing them.

I spoke for a short while as they questioned me about my work and other technical jargons. Feeling my uneasiness, Arjun said, “Shake off your nervousness buddy, you are one of us now”.

The discussions went on for sometime. Finally Remo said, “Hassan, have you brought the stuff??”.

“Yes”, said Hassan with a serpentine smile. He looked around and kept his head high with a proud undying smile which remarked that he had really achieved something from whatever he had brought.

Karthik took the cover from Hassan and passed it over to Shankar who removed the stuff and put it out on the paper spread below. Everyone now seemed to be over-joyed and shook hands with Hassan to thank him for it.

It was green like grass. They called it “The grass”. Although it was dry, it had not lost the green luster.

Remo took some “Grass” in his hands and begun to knead it. He continued to do it for a duration which seemed to upset the others. They were looking at it as hungry lions about to pounce on a deer. Hassan and Karthik kept looking at the hand waiting impatiently for the process to be completed.

Finally after a few minutes Remo looked at the stuff and said, “It is ready now”. It had turned into a fine gray powder. The others hurriedly took out their cigarettes and emptied the tobacco.

One by one each one filled a part of the powder into their cigarette until it was full. Remo seemed to fill two.

“Ok, ready??” questioned Hassan in an impatient tone. The others chorused “yeah, light the fire now”.

Remo stood up and came close to me. He handed over a cigarette to me and said “Here, I made this one for you”.

“No, Thanks”, I said, in a nervous tone which caused a laughter around. Everyone now came closer to me except Hassan who was busy trying to light a lamp.

“Come-on Man, it is cool” said Remo in a very relaxed tone. “We all know you haven’t smoked yet. But this is not Cigarette. This is far better than the usual bitter cigarette we smoke.”

“This will give you the best pleasure and is very smooth. I swear to god, this will not cause any discomfort and we have been doing this for years. Trust me, it is really cool”.

As determined I was, I started to think over whatever they said. My mind and my instincts screamed in unison a “NO”. But my heart seemed to dodge the thought and asked me to question them further.

“What is it??” I asked inquisitively.

“We have no time for lecture right now” said Hassan in a tone which made the others look at him. He was with his raised eyebrows, gesturing at them trying to indicate the lamp may lose the heat.

“I have never smoked before”, I said almost heeding to their demand.

“It is going to be your first experience, and you should try it. If you don’t like, you can stop it. But what harm is it in trying??” said Remo in an assuring tone. I felt confident at his words. Moreover, his words seemed to convince me since I had a choice to stop if I did not like.

I took the cigarette between my fingers. “First you” said Shankar with a smile. I bent down closer to the lamp with Remo guiding me with instructions and lighted the cigarette.

“Try to slowly breathe through the cigarette” said Remo holding my hand.

I coughed for several times, tried to vary my pace to breathe through the cigarette and with every encouraging words from the group I bettered at it. I felt great, I felt like I was discovering a new object, which was within me and every time I puffed, it elevated my happiness and with every scream they made I puffed better. It was an infinite loop, and the fun kept getting better every hour.

With every puff I smoked, my body felt light, I could feel the smoke enter through my lungs and through the blood carried over to my brain. It relaxed my thoughts; It seemed to console me and kept asking for more. It seemed so sweet and I felt heaven was close by and I just needed to laugh loud for others to hear me.

It was better than the apple the serpent had offered Eve.

“Aah...It hurts”, I said, as I woke up holding my head. The others seemed to be cleaning up the mess. I got up and went into the kitchen. Remo was preparing coffee for all.

“How long since I have slept??” I asked, still holding on my head. It seemed to grumble.

“Almost a day” said Remo.

“Seriously??” I exclaimed in a shocked tone. How could I have slept all day without waking up in the morning? I couldn’t believe myself.

“What was it??” I again asked Remo, hoping for an answer.

“Pot” he said. “Others call it, ganja, marijuana, poppy. It is a type of drug which gives you the utmost pleasure”.

“Did you feel a high” he questioned me and seemed to know my answer.

“Ye..ah..”, I said. “It was really good”.

“Lucky you”, said Remo, “My first time was really bad; I coughed and puked several times. You are really strong” he said with a smile.

Back home I recalled my experience. It was really nice. I forgot all of the loans I had to repay, the pain my parents must be going through, my childhood memories and I was filled with only pleasure which seemed to comfort me forever. It was like a pain-killer which relieved me from multiple pains at the same time.

The ordeal continued. Remo would take me over the weekends to his house and we would all smoke together. I was extremely happy in their company and they seemed to care a lot about me.

“How could you not get it??” I screamed at Hassan. Everyone looked at me, their eyeballs rolling between me and Hassan.s

“Sorry buddy” said Hassan in a low tone. “I ran short of money to get it. I had to repay a loan which had caused me another loan and hence I have no cash left with me for another couple of months”.

“How much does it cost??” I questioned him impatiently without bothering to ask about the loans.

“Five thousand rupees” said Remo. “It is really quality stuff and we will need to shell out a good amount for it”. The rest nodded at the reply.

“Here, take it from me” I said.

Those words seem to light up a thousand bulbs and they all cheered “Wow, great stuff Nakul, we can have a wonderful party tonight”.

We had a wonderful night which I realized only the next day night after I regained my consciousness.

“Son, how are you??” said my father in a worried tone. “Fine daddy, I am good, how are you doing??” I asked.

“It had been sometime since you had called, is everything ok??” He asked.

It seemed to irritate me. Why is he questioning me again?

“Yeah” I said in a raised tone. “Ok” he said, calming down a bit. “Your mother has been un-well for sometime. I have sold a portion of the land for her medicines. If you are left with any cash out of your expenses, will you be able to send it??” He asked in a very low tone.

“What happened to her??” I asked in a worried tone. “Shall I come over??” I said almost in tears.

“No, its allright. I will take care. It may be difficult for you at work and the travel will take a toll on you. I think she is having cold and it has been for sometime now. The doctor says that he will need to continue the treatment”.

“Um..Ok” I said. “Let me see if I can arrange some money”. I wished him good night and checked my account statement and froze looking at it.

For the last two months I had not sent any money to my parents.

“What keeps you sad??” asked Remo. He seemed to be a doctor of the weak. He knew exactly the emotions of every person and the mental disease they have been suffering through.

“I need to talk to you” I said with my head down.

He listened to me patiently. Once I was done he said, “Well, I can introduce you to a person who can loan you out some money at an interest rate”.

“Excellent” I said, hoping my miseries have come to an end.

The pawn broker Jalil looked like a crude metal constructed out of a hundred year old oven. He was an epitome of terrific and horrible incidents. As scary as he looked equally scary was his voice and physique. A convoy of goons kept loitering around him, receiving phone calls and updating him about some dealings.

The whole place looked murky.

“I will loan it out to you because you are Remo’s reference” he said, handing over the currency bundle to me.

It seemed to be heavy and I tried to open the packet to count. Remo almost immediately stopped me.

“Make sure you pay the amount with interest or..” said Jalil and stopped. I looked at him and his eyes seem to say the rest.

“ I will sir” I said in a assuring tone.

“All your problems are solved now, right??” said Remo, placing his hand over my shoulder.

I felt really comfortable. I knew god had sent him around to help me out during my difficulties.

“Yes, Thank you” I said whole-heartedly. 

“Time to celebrate”, he said with his thumbs up.

“Guys, do you know there is a new product in the market” said Hassan in a hushed tone.

The rest simply listened with a curious look.

“It is a white powder and thousand times better than the grass.”

“Why did you not get it idiot??”, asked Karthik.

“It costs a lot and besides I do not think either of you can afford it”.

The poisonous lust had already filled my blood. At each turn I felt an urge to taste the new powder. I wanted to feel it, wanted to experience it for once, only once.

“Nakul just took a loan and possibly can lend us some money now. We can pay him later” said Remo looking around.

“Sure” I said. I was more than happy to taste the powder.

The white powder was better than the green grass. With every sniff it seemed to find the shortcut to reach the cells of my brain and at each sniff the cells seemed to grow stronger and relax me. I felt I was floating in the air and either Hassan or karthik were trying to catch me. Everyone seemed to be in their own world with each either crying or laughing or screaming or lying down.

I was busy with my own emotions rather than worrying about the others. I knew I wasn’t under my control.

At first I thought it was a dream, but the heat was simply un-bearable. I woke up to the screams of “FIRE...FIRE...” and I could see all of them trying to run out of the room.

It was like an oven. The entire room was on fire engulfing curtains, papers and whatever it could. The flames rose with a vengeance to devour the entire house. The fire only spread each minute and there was nothing one could do to subdue it.

I tried to gather my senses and jumped over the cot to reach the door. Just then I remembered the bundle of currency notes I had kept near the table, I turned around to find it.

All that lay in the room was only a heap of ash.

I was flabbergasted. Deep down my heart I could not take the intensity of the pain. I cried in despair, unable to digest the loss.

“Bad luck”, said Remo shaking his head and placing his hand over my shoulders.

The loss only made me a loser. I was clouded by the thoughts of the ever compounding interest on the loan and my mother’s health. I did not have the nerve to call my father nor did I have any hope to support them further. My bank balance was almost nil, most of money burning as the green grass which I had smoked out heavily. I hardly had a few thousands left which was short even for my monthly expenses.

It was almost a month since my father ever called. I think he knew I couldn’t arrange the money.

“Can you get me a few packets of grass??” I asked Hassan in a hushed tone near his office.

“Oh...Sure, you wanna enjoy all alone...eh??” he questioned me, with a devilish smile.

“I am unable to bear all of the painful thoughts. I need the medicine. I can’t go on like this. I need to relax”

I tried to reason with him. Probably it was more to convince myself.

“Here, this is a supply for a month” he said handing over a polythene cover which was half filled.

“Thanks” I said with a beaming face extending my hand over to take the cover.

“Wait, not so early. It cost me a fortune to get you this” he said, trying to stop me from touching the cover.

“Come-on Hassan” I said confused. “I had paid a lot of times for all the stuff we have had before”.

“Times have changed Nakul” he said. “I can’t be under loss for your gain. Pay fifty thousand rupees or you can say good-bye”.

His tone was not only harsh; it seemed that I just discovered a stone hidden in my heart. The friend I thought who seemed to have promised me earlier that he would stand by me during all weather is today talking about loss and gain.

“Give me half of it” I said paying him with whatever I could get.

Life was so simple. Every month, as I got my salary I would go buy the stuff from Hassan. I puffed and sniffed almost everyday. It kept me in such a high, I forgot everything around me. Money, friends, problems, happiness etc etc.. nothing mattered to me. I was in my own woven web of pleasurably thoughts seeking more pleasure in turn weaving a wonderful web of destruction around me. I was too young to realize what I was going through until Jalil called me.

“When are you paying the money back??” screamed a harsh voice. It was Jalil.

“Umm…” I tried to find a reason, I knew it was more than six months and the due amount would be huge.

“Three days Is all I would give you...” he said in a very cold voice. I cared a damn. The drug in me made me bold and feared nothing. I was already in a high and the thought of Jalil only caused more bitterness in me.

“What will you do, If I don’t pay??” I raised my voice “I Will call the police if you trouble me again”.

“Hmm.. I see” he said in the same cold voice. “If you fear for your life you will keep the money ready”.

The line went dead and I went into a slumber caring the least for his words.

Early in the morning, I went to Remo and told him everything. Remo described Jalil as a notorious gangster who was a contract killer and wouldn’t dither killing anyone for money.

Remo seemed to be very unhappy with me. He was scared of Jalil and also realized that I have now turned to be a debit than a credit. In simple words I wasn’t worth to be his friend.

“You have ruined your life Nakul. You were such an intelligent nice guy. Look at you now. You have a scrambled beard now with dropping shoulders. You only depict suffering and sadness. Please don’t involve me in any of your future dealings. I fear for my own life. It would be better if you rather stop conversing with me”

I couldn’t believe my ears. Remo was the closet friend, brother a guide I had. I always felt I was his good friend and now here he is unable to bear looking at me, who wanted me never around him. I could feel the pain fill up in each of the veins of my heart. It was burning, tearing me with its rage, the sadness was unbearable.

The last nail on the coffin had been hit.

“You are fired. All your belongings are in the tray placed at the reception. Do not make any efforts to enter the office” said the HR looking straight into my eyes.

At first, I thought it was April fool’s day. Well, April was almost several months late. I couldn’t understand the intention behind the crude joke. With a shivering tone I asked him, “Why?? What happened??”

“There are drugs in your locker. We wanted to hand you over to the police, but keeping in mind your career and how bright a candidate you have been we kept short of it” said the HR without blinking.

Right at that moment I knew it was Remo. I never had a locker, I used his.

I knew exactly what the management was thinking. They did not want the police to come over and investigate which would be a bad publicity to the company.

All the pleas fell on deaf ears. When I turned to leave with a heavy heart, the HR said, “This was not expected of you Nakul”.

The overture of emotions took over me. I felt there was no return. It seemed to me that the web which I had woven around me has now devoured me in its maze and I had lost my path to find hope.

The parody continued. A multitude of thoughts engulfed me and I begun to draw long puffs. It was supposed to soothe me down but the emotions were stronger than the puff. I cried in pain, each puff consoling me to puke out my grief and my pain increased with every puff I took. Every moment I shuddered at Jalil and his gang murdering me, how Remo’s mistake cost my job and my mother’s disease. All these thoughts pounded my brain and the thoughts hounded me. To live was the utmost pain I experienced. I decided to solve all my problems with a very easy solution.

The chair creaked under my weight. I knew it would support me until I wanted it to. It would take only a couple of minutes. The noose was ready and flung over the fan. I was in a high, a real pleasurable moment, the blood now turned into venom filling my heart with all the braveness to end my life. I looked over the noose, the thoughts of my father and mother working in the farm, the forest I treaded, the school, college I studied, to Remo and his friends flooded right in front of my eyes. I wanted to save my mother, repay the loan, get a job and start life over again but I knew it wasn’t possible. The drug had fought against my will and had won over it. I now see only walls around me which are getting closer and closer every minute. I had to do this quicker, else jalil and his gang would find me out. I once again looked over the noose, and with shivering hands took it over my neck, the sweat causing the rope to wet, I looked down one time and with tears in my eyes I pushed the chair below me. It was inevitable.

It was like someone was wringing my neck out of my body. I knew it will be over in the next few seconds. As I gasped for my last breath I remembered my father’s words, “Life offers a lot of battles, rewards and deceives you with its mystery. Do not forget to think before you act and never fall to the lust money would offer”.

The chair broke and a sense of calmness descended over the room.

I had fallen for the lust money offered me and was deceived by my first experience.

[ Dear Friends, As life unfolds, we come across a plethora of perceptions trying to influence our own, seducing us with their impeccable words and creating a maze around us to cause a first experience. There is a Nakul and a Remo within all of us. The difference being, the one influenced by the thoughts the other influencing others thoughts. This story is dedicated to all of those people at the drug rehabilitation centre trying to recover from their first experience. Be the one to say "NO" to drugs. Money can buy drugs not your life. ]