The Choice..

The warm fingers slowly turned cold as it slithered away from the grip. The saline dripped making its way through the tube into the epidermis where it wasn’t imperious anymore. The guy with the white coat made no efforts to move but stood there still, holding on to a sheet he had received. Everything seemed immersed in oblivion with the faint smile still remained glued on the face which now looked like a book with a thousand pages of thoughts all screaming loud in chorus, If it weren't for those few seconds of sleep…

The sunlight poured over my face as the rays of the rising sun pierced through my eyelids. It is mystical, but true, that the rays of the sun form the rays of hope to begin a morning. It carries in itself an energy which can be devoured by a positive mind, a great start for a bright day. For a moment I tried to shade it away with my palm but in vain. I woke up rubbing my eyes, looking around as the hustle-bustle had started with the drivers honking, the conductors cautiously looking at the sheets, the tea seller preparing his tea-pot, the flower seller hanging his garlands around the shop and the passengers slowly arriving to travel around, the bus stop was definitely a very busy place and sleeping beyond dawn would be looked upon as a disease.

It has been three days now, since I have been spending my nights at the Central Bus terminus. I had arrived here, from my college, since going home would have been the worse part of my life. Bloated with expectations, my parents would have roasted me alive with their continuous taunts of a “man without a job” story. All through the journey I barely slept, thinking of the responsibility which now lay on me to look after my family.

“Shankar...” my father called, as I turned around and looked at him.

“I heard Prathap’s daughter has stood first in the mid-term exams. Is it true??” he asked me with a questionable tone, the answer for which he already knew.

“Yes..hmm..I think so”, I muttered. Anyways she belonged to ‘A’ section and I was in the ‘C’ section.

“You think so??” he repeated with a rage in his tone, his eyes menacingly looking towards me, his palms now seemed to slightly swell with the in-coming blood which was aiding for him to prepare the strike.

‘How the hell am I supposed to know’, I murmured under my breath. My father stood there, waiting for an answer and when I continued with my blank face and the stoned silence, he circled around me holding the newspaper in his hands.

“How would you know the top rankers if you are not one of them”, he said raising his eyebrows and with the rage still in his eyes. The eyes now dilated added more essence to his anger.

“If a girl can come first in her class, why can’t you??” he said raising his voice. “Your presence only makes me feel I am talking to a stone. Your existence has been merely to eat and sleep and open the book to pretend you are studying”.

The rhetoric philosophy continued for another twenty minutes with occasional pauses and the sinusoidal variation in decibel echoing inside me.

He stopped finally and said, “Tommorow, Prathap and his daughter would be coming to our house. Ask all the questions you have so that she can help you with your studies”.

“I rank third in my class” I said with a disagreeing tone. I could feel my blood boiling.  “I don’t need her help in my studies. I can do it myself”.

“Your arrogance has only ruined you. There is a vast difference between first and third. Do as I tell you, it is for your own good.”

I sulked throughout the day and kept thinking about the insulting words my father spoke. In the name of ‘For your own good’ he always pushed me against the wall and made others look better off than me. I only wished Prathap uncle and his daughter fell into a bottomless well.

It was cricket which always brought me back to life. I had no other reason to be alive then being a cricketer. That was my dream. Whenever I had the least of a chance, I would either practice shots or simply bowl at invisible batsmen. It was my fodder for existence, and my friends always said I had a natural talent for the game.

My father disliked cricket. He cursed the game; sometimes I wondered if the batsmen got out due to his curse. To him, it was a waste of eight hours which only increased the electricity bill and that benefited none.

After the duo left, my father seemed to be immersed in deep thought. I only wished it wasn’t about me.

“Are you serious about cricket??” he asked looking straight at me.

“Yes” I said, without a pause.

“This is your final year at school; it will determine what you would become next in your life. I wanted you to be an engineer or a doctor. Don’t you want to be good at your academics??” he asked in a low emotional tone.

“I like cricket”, I said looking at him. “I have won several awards, and the selection to the State team is pending. If I get selected then In the future I may play for the state”, I said, with a confident tone.

My father shook his head. I wondered if he thought I was possessed. He looked at my mother, and paused for a moment to look at me. Finally he spoke.

“Cricket is not your future. I will give you one last chance, you should quit cricket and get on with your academics”.

I stood there shattered. But I wasn’t going to give my dream so easily, no matter how much I feared him.

“Why not??” I screamed. “I have worked so hard at my game. I want to be a cricketer” I said with tears in my eyes.

“Shut up!!!” he said, looking menacingly at me. “I don’t care what you want, just ensure you study and become what I want you to be”.

I went out of the house crying uncontrollably, hoping my father would change his mind.

A few weeks passed and then it was time for exams. Everyone was engrossed studying for their final year at school, while I was busy practicing for the selection. My selections were scheduled a week before my exams and so I was happy that it wouldn’t clash with my academics.

My father only thought otherwise.

I came home in the evening from school, to take my bat for practice. My mother standing near the door looked a bit dejected. She only kept looking over her shoulders towards the backyard.

I looked around for sometime and still searching, asked my mother, “Where is my bat?? I am getting late for practice”.

She looked at me, took a long pause and then pointed her finger to the backyard. I barely understood.

I went over to the backyard and saw my father standing near the cauldron. As he saw me coming, he turned around, and moved a bit away from the huge stove which was heating the cauldron.

In the midst of the wood which lay burning, I saw the last part of my bat going in, being consumed by the evil flames, each one rising higher as it devoured with an utmost rage.

I almost collapsed on the ground. I ran, as fast as I could, held the handle and pulled the bat out. I tried all I could to put out the flames, but the damage was done.

I screamed loud looking at my father, a loud wail, a cry uncontrollable as I felt my dreams crashing, my feelings completely smashed, all that I wanted to be being burnt to ashes.

I cried all night in despair. The despondency in me had caused a huge depression, in turn causing a moment of unmanageable agony.

The next day I decided to give up cricket.

The last three days at the Bus terminus had been pathetic. As always, time ran ahead of me causing my choice list to grow shorter. Each day passed in desperation, I felt the day moved like a snail conspiring against me causing more miseries as the seconds ticked. I kept walking confused, unable to decipher the intrinsic logic of finding a job.

They say, you don’t find a job, the job finds you. As I walked along the road, I looked at the company which stood right in front of me, the majestic pillars which rose to hold the board “iSOFT” was charming.

“Are there any walk-in interviews??” I quizzed the security guard. He slowly raised his head, an inch a minute with the breakfast beside him.

“Who are you??” he asked with the spoon still in his mouth. He cared the least to even look at me.

“Walk-in Interview” I asked him again increasing the decibel.

“hmm..yes, Register here”, he said, motioning his hand in the direction of the other security guard.

I reached over entering my name and the other details. The other guard looked lifeless; it seemed he was alive only to be a statue.

After three rounds of interview the HR took me to his chamber.

“Why do you want to join iSoft??” asked the HR with his head high and his eyes looking straight into me.

I cleared my throat, a camouflage to prepare for the answer. I need a job,that’s why idiot. I looked into his eyes and said “Why not iSoft??”

“I see, I hope you are aware that as part of our dedicated customer support our motto is to be there everywhere, on time everytime” said the HR still staring at me.

I understood. Night shifts. He made it look easy. “Definitely”, I said. “My passion and commitment are unquestionable”.

“Good, here is your offer letter, go through it and let me know if you have any questions” he said without looking down.

Questions?, Of course a thousand. Who cares, I just need this job.  “Sure” I said.

My parents were naturally excited as I announced the news. They seemed to be relieved and unbounded by the societal monster which plagued them to answer about me.

As they moved in with me, one day I over-heard my father saying, “I hope he understands we need our own house. All along I slogged at work to ensure that he has a good education. Now that he has got a job, I am only hoping that he makes our dreams come true”.

My mother shook her head in agreement, making signs as to speak in a low voice. “hmm..I hope he is atleast that responsible” he said frowning and shaking his head.

The huge conference room with its extensive energy saving bulbs removed any spec of darkness. There were a bunch of people, discussing about the benefits the company would be offering and some speculating what the job would be. Most of them seemed to know little but pretended to know everything. Quite a few of them cornered themselves to discuss about world affairs, which was non-sense in its purest form.

“Ah hmm…” coughed the trainer, trying to clear his throat as he entered the room. Everybody looked up, quickly adjusting their chairs.

“Congratulations and welcome aboard”, he said, flashing his teeth’s. He seemed to be extremely excited and happy to see all of us.

“Team” he addressed, moving horizontally, “The job you are going to be is not only going to be challenging but exciting as well. You will go through a rigorous process of trainings to understand the component models and their specifications. This job would be based only in the night supporting the United States privileged customer base. You will be responsible to clear the service requests and a feedback would be requested from the customer. Each service request will be a financial gain as you resolve them...blah..blah..”, the parody continued. 

It was very simple. The night was day, the day was night. Every service request resolved with a good feedback from the client caused a positive rating which eventually multiplied the bonus.

That’s all I knew, and that’s exactly what I wanted to know. I had to fulfill my parents dream and I had to do it fast. All, I saw in front of me was a house and everything else looked meaningless.

A month later, the trainer called me and said, “Good, your feedbacks are very appreciative. Continue the good work”.

I kept up the tempo, I knew, whatever I did; I had to do it consistently. I was on the “run-a-mill”, where my routine was well set, I made the calls, I made the ratings, I took away the bonus. I wondered if my organs understood what I wanted to achieve and they simply agreed to my instructions. I slept when the whole world was awake with their busy bustling and in the night I entered into a busy world which was hustling.

A year later, I was promoted as the product specialist on the floor. With an increase in my pay, I knew I was getting closer.

I worked harder, more the calls came, faster I resolved them. People only wondered at my speed, a few others asked me to go slow and the rest tried to keep up with my pace. I was blinded by an urge, churned out of the anger and ego brewed within myself due to the insulting words my father spoke. I kept telling myself, I couldn’t do all this when I was at school, but now, I could really prove what I can.

Two years later, I was promoted as the Operations manager, the youngest in the history at iSoft.

“Shankar, these results are impressive”, said Vikas, the CEO , with a smile. “You should bring in more creative ideas so that we can expand our operations”.

I shook my head in agreement. “At iSoft, we have policies, growth plans, career paths. We do not try to burn out our employees” he kept saying. I was least interested in his oratorical skills.

“Do you have any questions??” he asked me, noticing my disenchantment.

“How do I make more money at iSoft?” I asked him without a pause.

He raised his eyebrows as his smile disappeared. Probably, I was asking for more.

“You should target to take over other operations we have and eventually bring the entire support division under your purview. Remember, the faster you run the quicker you are exhausted.” he said as he moved on slowly shaking my hands.

I sped on with what I was doing. I put in all I could, stretched my energy to the limits and kept doing it with a blind faith.

Two and half years later, I was promoted the Vice-President at iSoft. 

 The following month, I bought a house. My parents were over-joyed as they seemed to be liberated. Each wall of the house, spoke of the hard work I did to reach this far. I saw the sea of happiness surrounding my family, they were ecstatic with joy. With the ultimate achieved, I wanted to ensure they remain happy forever. The sense of achievement fuelled a zeal in me, which created a hunger in me to achieve more, and in quick time.

I clearly lived a dream which was not mine.

They say, the faster you run the quicker you fall. All the years of hard work had started to take a toll on my health. With the acidity, I realized that my digestive system was upset. Sometimes I puked when I had food, the other time I puked just by the smell of it. My dislike list grew longer.

Whenever I had a few minutes I would nap. Sleep was heaven to me and I was very much deprived of it. The only thing which kept me motivated was the pillow and the bed that kept embracing and consoling me as I fell in their bosom and dozed off.

Nothing stopped me. I ran as fast as I could, ignoring the thorns which came on my path. I ran faster to see that light at the end of the tunnel which I thought was the only ray of hope to make the dreams of my family come true.

It was the light of a train coming through the tunnel.

“Can you get the presentations done today?” asked Vikas, in his usual foxy tone.

“Today??” I questioned half-heartedly looking at the watch with my eyebrows raised.

“Yes, of course, this project could do you wonders!!” he said with a grin and walked as fast as he came.

Very well then, I told myself, Damn you!!!

By the time I finished the presentation it was almost daybreak and exhaustion gripped me to surrender at my desk and lie flat on it. I managed to keep my eyes open and sheepishly walked towards the parking lot.

“I just emailed you the copy, Vikas” I said sheepishly, managing a smile as I met him on the way. I only wished he put a bed on the way and asked me to sleep.

 “Good. I will review it and make the necessary changes” he remarked waving his hands. 

If you were capable of making the changes you would have made the presentation. Some are lucky the rest only suck up to them.

I had cursed my fate innumerable times and cursing it one more time made no sense. In fact, nothing made sense to me other than lying down and sleeping forever. Exhausted and tiredness exhuming, I dragged myself to the car.

The peak traffic hour had begun and the bedlam was un-imaginable. Everyone honked, screamed and rode as fast as they could. For the last couple of years I had never seen the sun raise or the sunset. Darkness was my cover and I only waded through its blanket, negotiating nothing as I passed through it effortlessly.

Today was different. Some banged at my window trying to sell the groundnuts or the flowers. Some jumped right on my bonnet to clean it and then kept banging on the car door for money. I wished everyone stopped still and I just zipped through these lunatics. 

As every signal turned red, I fought to keep myself awake.

As the signal turned green, my feet automatically accelerated and I zoomed past the rest negotiating sharp turns and other vehicles. The wind was good and the road seemed to be less traffic. I drove like an arrow, piercing through the wind.

It never occurred to me that it could happen. Before I could open my eyes, I heard a loud bang, the crush of the metal and in a split second the shrill sound of the glass crushing. I felt like a million cuts on my body and face. As I opened my eyes, I saw a huge white bag opening up on my face and my entire body thrown with an incogitable force. For a second, the pain was excruciating, it seemed like a thousand people were inside my head with hammers and they couldn’t stop banging it against my skull. I lay on the seat motionless, with an eye open and the smoke slowly turning to black, a couple of people running around and few spanking my cheeks.

A moment later, I felt nothing.

The huge white light blinded my eyes. As I slowly opened my eyes, I heard a faint voice saying, patient is conscious.

“Look here…here..” a man with a pen torch kept saying looking at my eyes. I moved my eyeballs in his direction and he moved the torch away from me.

The accident had caused multiple fractures. The rib cage was broken causing an inflammation of the lungs. One of the rib bones had torn into my kidneys and left my liver damaged. A disc in my spine had slipped causing disability below my waist.

I was a dead vegetable with a faint hope of life.

“He has very less chance” said the doctor to my father. “The skull has been damaged and there is internal bleeding” he said without a pause.

“We could operate, but the CT scan reveals the bleeding has spread farther into the brain and the neurons could stop functioning any time”.

I could hear everything, at least that I could, I wanted to desperately re-wind my whole life back to where I started my life. I wanted to say “No” to Vikas for the presentation. I wanted to start playing cricket. I could see my friends scream as they waved at me, welcoming me.

“How did it happen??” the doctor asked sympathetically looking at my father.

“Not sure. We received a call from a witness who said that he had admitted my son at the hospital” I heard my father say in a choked voice.

I wanted to get up and hold his hands and assure him that I was all right. I wanted to say that in another couple of days I will be back to work and will soon buy the car he wanted to drive. I only did not want him to look so sad, after-all I spent all of these years working to make sure they all had a happy life.

“Shankar”, my father called, with his hands on my shoulder. I only responded moving my eyelids.

His voice was choked, tears filled his eyes, and he slowly moved his head and placed it on my chest. My mother was standing on the other side and weeping inconsolably.

I tried to move my fingers, my heart now heavy and the pain in my head un-bearable, I screamed within my body. My friends in the field had now started to take positions.

I touched my fathers hands with my fingers, and he immediately responded by holding them. It brought back memories of the days when I held his hand and learnt to walk, to walk through the fields where he taught me to run, play, talk.

“Please wake up son” my father cried vehemently. It seemed someone was plucking my hairs one after the other.

“Please forgive me” he cried, “I wanted you to be a successful person, a son who would outshine his father, who the whole world would say, the best son”, But, “I pushed you far ahead, I pushed you against your own wish, cared less for your dreams, worried more about someone else doing better than you”.

He paused for a moment, wiping his tears.

“Please wake up Shankar”, his voice echoed with a melancholy choke. “I don’t want anything in my life, I want you beside me, just be there with us”, “All these years, we have never felt so secure and satisfied. You sacrificed your dreams and thoughts only to make our dreams come true. We are aware of it Son” he said, wiping his tears. “Don’t leave us, please…” he sobbed un-controllably.

How I wished I could wake up and hug him. I was never aware that he recognized my feelings, my dreams. I only thought of him as a strict master who only said what needs to be done. I wished, I had seen this side of my father long time ago. My friends waving at me inched closer.

The pain in my head now intense and agonizing, I felt a thousand worms crawling through my brain. How I wished, I had said “No” to Vikas for the presentation. The worm of greediness gnawing at the bottom of my heart had in the pursuit of those few more bucks, had blinded me to work harder, faster and slave for everything and everyone. Without a sense of pride or regale at the work, I only looked at the monetary benefits it offered and deceived my body of its natural state. I deprived it of its most essential needs conning my organs to accept my vicious thoughts. If only I had fought those few seconds of sleep, I could have been home cozing up on my bed.

I curled my fingers around my fathers hand and a drop of tear came out of my eyes. I wanted to tell them that it was a mere few seconds of sleep which had caused the accident. The words never made out of my mouth.

I tightened the grip as the pain started to ascend in my head. The pillow seemed to be made of iron and I could now feel the blood slowly trickling down my ears.

“Shankar..Shankar..” my father sobbed, “I should have let you be what you wanted to be” he screamed. “Please forgive me, Son..Please” he said, holding on to my numb fingers.

Everything around me blurred. It was painful ecstasy, dragging me into a bottomless well. I could see the light now coming into the tunnel. I had to stop running.

Still holding on to my father’s warm palm, I took one long breath and slowly closed my eyes with a faint smile. My fingers turned cold.

A friend once told me, “This is the time when you can earn as much as you can, if you are not in haste now you would waste your whole life.” and a wise old man once told me, “You cannot have all the three meals at the same time of a day”.

My friends now smiling had gathered around me.